I Can't Say It's Not Painful
by Naite-Laef
Summary: Goku and Gohan reflect on how the years apart have changed one another. As the differences add up, they start to question if they ever really knew each other at all. A post-Buu one-shot inspired by my estranged father.


He bit his lower lip gently to keep it from trembling.

He was the strongest person in the world. No, probably the galaxy. Maybe even the entire universe since having his hidden potential unlocked.

The young man gulped nervously as his mother cast him an odd look.

"Gohan?" she said, her concerned gaze lingering on her son's strange expression.

Did she ask him a question? He hadn't been paying attention.

Despite being in the prime of his life, and thus infinitely more powerful than Chi-Chi, 18-year-old Gohan feared his mother without question. He hated that frying pan of hers that kept Master Roshi out of her personal space; he dreaded the loud, piercing yells she so freely gave at the slightest provocation; and he shrunk from her searing gaze at all costs whenever she tried to lecture him or Goten on the importance of a good education.

He loved her. So, above all else, he feared disappointing her.

"What is it, Mom?" he asked with a nervous laugh, scratching the back of his neck with one hand. Without thinking, his gaze flickered across the dinner table to look at his father, who pointedly ignored his family.

Following Gohan's eyes, Chi-Chi frowned at her husband's unusual behaviour.

Goku absently pushed the food around on his plate while Goten watched with rapt attention, obviously perturbed by his father's lack of appetite.

"Dad, aren't you gonna eat that?" the boy asked, confused by the newfound tension in his small household. With a sigh, Goku pushed his plate toward Goten without lifting his dark eyes from their view of the table.

"Gohan? Goku?" Chi-Chi repeated, looking between two of her boys with worry. "Are you two alright? Did something happen-"

"Nothing happened!" both exclaimed at once, with Gohan jumping slightly in his seat and Goku finally looking up.

Goten blinked at their reactions, his face already stuffed with part of his father's dinner. While he was tempted to accept their answer at face value, his mother quickly caught onto the implications of their bizarre behaviour.

"Well, obviously something did happen," she said, defiant. Growing suspicious at their co-involvement, Chi-Chi briefly wondered if they had broken something. "Spit it out, already! Did you forget that week you spent as Super Saiyans before the Cell Games? Whatever you broke, I'm sure it's not that bad."

Goku tilted his head slightly in confusion at her assumption, but didn't offer a response. Likewise, Gohan looked away, worried that his voice would tremble should he attempt to lie again.

Knowing that Goku would likely flee if she pushed too hard, Chi-Chi stood and turned her glare to her oldest son.

"Gohan."

Her full, firm voice commanded both the attention and respect of everyone in the room. All eyes turned to her, and she could see the sweat already forming on the teenager's forehead.

"What happened, Gohan?" she asked again, voice firm. "Did you and Lime have an argument today?"

At the mention of his girlfriend, Gohan stiffened, a dark flush crawling up his neck and cheekbones. "No, of course not!" he gushed. "Lime is fine. I mean- ah, we're fine." Growing flustered, Gohan clarified in a shaky voice: "Everything is fine!"

His mother sighed, looking unconvinced. Without taking her eyes off Gohan, she said, "Goten, honey, go wash up."

The boy sprang to his feet, knowing that an argument would be fruitless. He lightly jogged down the hallway without question, a pout on his round face. Goku also attempted to stand, but was stopped with a harsh look from his wife. He froze.

"I didn't say you could leave," she said. The full Saiyan slowly sat back down, and Chi-Chi continued. "You're obviously involved in this… whatever this is," she finished, making a vague gesture with her hand towards the two men.

"If you and Lime are doing fine, then why didn't she come to dinner tonight?" Chi-Chi inquired. "I asked your father to pick you both up so she couldn't have an excuse to back out. I know Lime and I don't exactly see eye to eye, but I do want to get to know my future daughter-in-law a little better."

Gohan shifted awkwardly in his seat before finally clearing his throat. "I don't really want to talk about it," he finally said, face still slightly red with his mother's mention of marriage.

"Well, you're not going anywhere until you can tell me why there's so much extra food on my table," she said. Goten had ended up discarding his plate in favour of his father's, which still held more uneaten dumplings. The boy had been dismissed before he could finish, only adding to Gohan's leftovers and what was supposed to have been Lime's serving.

"And don't even think about lying to me, young man," she warned. "I didn't raise a liar. I raised a gentleman who-"

"Chi?"

At the sound of her husband's interruption, Chi-Chi whipped around to look at her husband, a serious, but uneasy look on his gentle face.

"Maybe we should talk about this alone," the man heavily hinted, gesturing to their eldest son with a small head movement.

"Dad," Gohan said softly, almost pleading.

His father looked at him, eyes roaming over his son's large form as if looking for something. Finally, he replied, "It's alright, son. Why don't you go gather more firewood? It looks like we're running low."

Glancing over his shoulder towards the living room, Gohan saw that the small pile near their television looked rather pathetic. In the few days since the battle with Majin Buu, the Son family had spent every night around the fireplace, catching up on the last seven years.

Still uneasy, Gohan nodded and left the small home. Chi-Chi looked at her husband expectantly, eyeing Goku as he tracked Gohan's energy to be certain both his children were out of earshot.

"I've missed out on so much, Chi-Chi," he said quietly, uncharacteristically serious.

Her eyes softened, unsure of where this conversation was going. "Goku, honey, you were dead," she said after a moment's pause. "Of course you missed some things. But that's not your fault. You're here now, and that's all that matters."

Goku leaned forward on the table, elbows resting on the wood as he ran his hands over his face. "I never thought I'd be back, Chi," he mumbled. "And now that I am…"

His wife took a seat next to him, running a hand through his thick, black hair. "What is it, Goku?"

He sighed, and said, "Gohan's a giant. Have you noticed he's an inch taller than me?"

Before she could answer, he shook his head and continued. "And his voice is so different from what I remember. I thought about you both a lot while I was in Otherworld. But if it wasn't for his energy, I wouldn't have recognised my own son at the tournament."

"He's a teenager, though," Chi-Chi reminded him. "You still have plenty of time to see him grow up."

"But I already feel like I missed out on so much," he gushed, voice thick with emotion. "Time moves differently in Otherworld. With nobody ageing, I didn't realise just how much time had passed. It feels like just yesterday that me and Gohan were in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber."

"Oh, Goku," Chi-Chi said, taking her husband's hands in her own. She held them tightly against her chest, relishing in his warmth. "You can't focus on what you can't change… I would know. I've had a lot of time to think about this while you were gone. You just have to focus on the present, and look forward to the future. You can't live in the past."

"Remember how we used to take baths together all the time?" Goku asked, already too lost in thought to heed her advice. "I asked him if he wanted to jump in the barrel with me the other day, and he was so weirded out! It… honestly kind of hurt. At least Goten was excited about it."

With a groan, Goku's dark eyes flitted to the hallway, in the general direction of the bathroom Goten currently occupied. Chi-Chi followed his gaze, already knowing what he would say next.

"And don't even get me started on Goten," Goku added. "I would've never left if I had known you were gonna have another baby. I swear, Chi-Chi. I just feel like I messed up everything."

"I don't understand," Chi-Chi said, biting her bottom lip. "What brought all this up? You were so happy and carefree when you came home with us."

Goku shifted slightly in his seat. "Please don't tell Gohan," he said. "If I tell you, don't let him know that you know, okay?"

She nodded, a bit worried.

"When you asked me to pick him and Lime up, I sensed they were alone," he started. "I remembered you always told me not to use instant transmission in front of lots of people, because it scares them."

She nodded once more, a warmth tugging at her heart as she remembered giving him that instruction well over a decade ago.

"Well, I interrupted them," Goku sighed. "They were in a meadow... Gohan wasn't wearing any pants."

Closing her eyes, Chi-Chi let go of his hands to lean back in her chair, visibly bothered by the news. "So, that's why he was so jumpy," she concluded. "You caught them."

"They were really embarrassed," Goku said, giving a soft chuckle at the awkward memory. "That's why Lime didn't come back with us. Gohan was really upset and asked me not to tell you."

"I gave Gohan the talk a few years ago," Chi-Chi told him. "You know, about making love? I told him to wait until he was married." She sighed, seeing Goku's inquisitive look. "He probably thinks I'd be mad or disappointed if I knew," she explained.

Twiddling his thumbs, Goku asked sheepishly, "Are you?"

She gave a small, sad smile. "I'm not. I'm more hurt that he felt like he couldn't talk to me about it," she admitted. "We've always been close but... I think I understand what you're saying. Gohan's still a teenager, but he's also an adult now. He's 18. I guess there are just some things he doesn't want to ask his mother about."

Swallowing, she added, "You should have a talk with him later. You know… about being safe during sex. Especially with his powers."

"I guess I just didn't realise that he's not the same little boy I left behind," Goku thought out loud. "I just feel like I don't know him anymore, you know?"

Closing his eyes, the Saiyan father felt more nervous than he could ever remember being. He had honestly never thought about talking to his son about sex. It sounded silly now that he thought about it; surely when he had first become a father, he knew he would have to guide his son into adulthood. But instead of teaching his son the facts of life at 10 years old, he had been preparing to throw his only child to the wolves.

Piccolo's angry words at the Cell Games had given Goku much to think about. Perhaps he had never really known his son. After all, he hadn't known that Gohan didn't like to fight until he had seen the boy's refusal to unleash his full power on Cell.

Slumping slightly into his chair, he couldn't help but wonder if Gohan had been able to finally have a childhood after his death. He sure hoped so, for the sake of his son's happiness.

"But you do, Goku," Chi-Chi murmured, not quite sure what to think anymore. "You know Gohan. He's kind, caring, and sweet. He's still just as sharp and studious, too. He works hard. He's very loyal to his friends and family. He's grown into a fine young man."

"But he wouldn't fight in the tournament without that superhero costume," Goku gently argued. "He was worried about what his classmates would think if they knew about his powers. He always struggled with confidence as a kid, but I never thought he was ashamed to be himself."

Chi-Chi sniffed, feeling a wave emotion crash inside her. "I can't believe my baby is growing up," she muttered. "Both of our babies are growing up so fast."

"You're a great mother, Chi," Goku whispered, pulling her in for an embrace. "You did so well with them on your own. I'm just… a little lost right now. I feel like I don't know my own kids. But I do want to know Gohan again. And I want to get to know Goten for the first time. I know that if you raised them, then they turned out great."

Eyes watering, Chi-Chi clutched his orange gi. "I missed you so much, Goku."

"I missed you," he echoed, inhaling her familiar scent. "And I want to get to know you again, too."

"Oh, I've missed this," she said, laying a hand on his broad chest. "I know we haven't always had… the best relationship."

He winced, thinking back to all the times he'd taken her for granted.

"But I love you," she finished, the tears finally falling from her eyes. "I love you so much."

"I never stopped loving you," he said, much to her surprise. She cried harder at the admission until he bent slightly to capture her lips in a tender kiss.

"I was almost afraid of coming back when old Kai gave me his life," Goku said, his lips still brushing her's. He pulled her close again, resting his chin on top of her head. "I thought maybe… maybe you all had moved on without me. I thought maybe Gohan didn't need me anymore. That Goten wouldn't need me because he didn't know me. And I was afraid that maybe you had found someone new."

"I know our vows said, 'Until death do us part,'" she sniffed, "but you've always been special, Goku. You came back once. There was always a part of me that knew you would come back again."

"In that case," he whispered, "I'm sorry I kept you waiting."

Just outside, Gohan began stacking his collected firewood against the side of the house.

His father seemed older.

Gohan wasn't quite sure why, though. He hadn't been able tear his eyes away from Goku- not since his father had broken the news on the lookout. Elder Kai had granted him a life!

Perhaps it was the small crease next to his father's mouth; faint, and only visible when the man grinned. Had that always been there? Maybe it was the way that the man moved, more cautious than confident.

Gohan hadn't seen his father in seven years. Were these details so insignificant that he had simply forgotten with the passing of time? How much, if any, had the man changed while in Otherworld?

He also wondered just how much he himself had changed.

When he had last seen his father, Gohan barely stood tall enough to reach the man's chest. Now, he stood slightly taller, his shoulders just as broad, and his voice nearly as deep. The physical changes had manifested fairly recently- two slow growth spurts evenly spaced throughout the past three years. The emotional changes, however, felt innumerable.

Had his father lost some muscle definition, or had he always been that lean?

Gohan clapped his hands together several times, allowing bits of bark and dirt to fall from his hands. Heart battering against his chest, his feet took him to the door. The boy moved slowly, as if any sudden movement could chase away his father forever.

Because Goku's death had supposedly been forever. No one had expected him to come back, least of all the child who had watched him die. Despite the overwhelming amount of love and joy at his father's return, the teenager felt a small swell of sadness in the back of his mind.

Time had moved forward without Goku, yet his father had dropped back into their lives as though no time at all had passed. It would be a difficult change to accept, that his father would be alive from now on. Not unwelcome- just different.

It seems they had a lot to catch up on.

He reached for the door handle, ready to head back inside, when he suddenly remembered what his parents were supposed to be talking about while he was gone. He felt himself grow hot at the memory of Lime and him earlier in the day.

They had been dating for almost a year now. In the few days following the defeat of Buu, and subsequently their resurrections, the two had gotten carried away rather quickly in their excitement and relief.

His mother had insisted on bringing the girl to dinner tonight, but upon flying her back, Gohan and Lime had stopped to talk.

Talking had turned into making out. With his back suddenly to the ground, Gohan couldn't fight the growing feelings of love and passion. He felt her small hands unraveling the blue sash around his waist, the loving kisses she placed on his taut neck, and her warm mouth slowly enveloping his attentive cock-

And then moments later, his dad had showed up.

He shook his head, trying to dispel such an embarrassing memory from his thoughts.

The teenager briefly wondered when his father had learned to pick up on romantic and other social clues. Gohan knew his father wasn't the most socially conscious person- it was no secret that the man could be very dense.

Or had his father always known about such things, and had just never talked about these matters in front of him?

Either way, his father had very clearly known what was going on. Despite his profuse apologies to the pair, Lime had insisted on returning to her own home for dinner. Shame-faced, Gohan had allowed his father to teleport them back home in silence.

Turning his back to the front door, Gohan paced, hands on his narrow hips. Of course his father knew about these things- after all, the man had fathered two children!

Goku had always possessed a goofy, child-like quality about him. Outside of battle, Gohan's father was gentle, silly, and downright naïve. Now that he was older, Gohan no longer saw the man just as his father, or even as a hero. First and foremost, Goku would always be his own person. He had lived a life before Gohan and Goten had existed, and even before he had met Chi-Chi.

His father had loved and been loved; he had lost and had been lost. He had wants, needs, hopes, dreams, and fears.

Though completely obvious, Gohan had never really thought about either of his parents in that way. They had always simply been his mother and father.

Seven years had passed, and Gohan had missed his father dearly. Perhaps he had never really known his father. And so even if it meant his mother hated him, was disgusted by him, and never wanted to see him again, he knew he had to return home at some point.

He had to get to know his father. Not the man he used to be, or even the man Gohan had thought him to be, but the man Goku was now.

Leaving the firewood outside for the moment, Gohan swiftly moved towards the front door once more, eager to step inside before he lost the courage to face his parents. He opened the door with closed eyes, anticipating his mother's shrill voice.

But nothing assaulted his ears. He opened his eyes slowly, only to see his parents sitting next to each other, holding on to one another dearly. In that moment, he knew he wasn't in trouble. In fact, it was the farthest thing from his mind now.

He couldn't remember the last time he had seen his parents like this.

There had been a rough patch in their marriage between Goku staying in outer space to train with King Kai, and then on Yardrat, and then for the androids. His mother hadn't been very happy with his father- that much had been plain to see.

The sight before Gohan brought tears to his eyes. He knew that his family could be whole again.

It would take time, but in a world of dragon balls, anything was possible.


End file.
